My last posting, The Open Hands of a Saint, sparked several meaningful conversations. These discussions touched on detachment, the right ordering of our hearts (i.e., God first, family, etc.), blessings, suffering, and fear. A dear friend sent the following text the morning of the posting, “I did the exercise, and I had a little fear and anxiety after saying the first part. I had to stop and let it go before I could continue. I don’t know why I fear being the person God can make me.” Her words caused me to pause for three reasons. First, I was so excited that she was putting the prayer into practice! Second, I was honored she would reach out to share her struggles. Third, I realized how beautifully she stated her fear. She discovered the work God wanted to do in her heart – to help her become a saint – but she also knew this could require changes in her life. She allows me to share this text because she is confident others have similar fears and that God could use her vulnerability to help others.
The act of asking the Lord to remove what keeps us from Him – from being the person He wants us to be – does stir fear. Our minds might first wonder, “What good will He take away? What friendship, what possession, what pleasure?” We fear the Lord will cause us suffering and pain, leaving us alone, uncared for, and miserable. These fears can be rooted in lies, misconceptions, self-reliance, and woundedness. Our experiences in life cloud the truth of who God is and what God does. God desires us to move past these fears into a relationship with Him filled with love and trust.
“I do it myself,” shouted my son as I tried to help him put on his shoes. How often is this our response to not only God’s help but the help of those who love us? It is almost part of our identity as Americans to be self-sufficient and independent. I recently had foot surgery, requiring others to drive, cook, visit, and take care of me and some of my responsibilities. Every day for the last four weeks, I have found my inner toddler screaming, “I do it myself!” My self-reliance is like a badge of honor that hides the parts of me that fear being a burden and trusting others to care for me. This distrust and fear have their roots in my experiences of abandonment, rejection, and an early childhood burden to take care of myself.
However, God does not intend for you or me to live our lives striving to hide our needs, pretending to have it all under control, and exhausted from trying to do it all. We need one another, and we also need God. He wants to help us. This passage reminds me of God’s care, “Do not fear: I am with you; do not be anxious: I am your God. I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my victorious right hand” (Isaiah 41:10). The Lord is ready to do His part and care for you. He will strengthen, help, and uphold you. We need to our part by trusting Him and surrendering our worries. We can learn to trust God and others through time and experience, prayer and commitment, and receiving and giving.
Other barriers that may limit our ability to trust God and others are a lack of knowledge, false beliefs, or wounds in our hearts. What misconceptions do you hold about who God is and what He does? In my journey, I discovered I viewed God as harsh, critical, demanding, and distant. The lies and misconceptions we have about God can be a result of inadequate or inaccurate catechesis. Or perhaps others used God, along with guilt and shame, as their “enforcers” to make us comply with their rules. Or even the experience of trauma or abuse at the hands of those in authority can deeply affect our ability to trust. Depending on the depth and cause of these lies, misconceptions, and wounds, we may need the help of a therapist, spiritual director, and close friends to process, learn, and heal. The journey can be complex and lengthy, but the Lord will be with you.
As you journey from fear to trust, try to be curious about the misconceptions, lies, and experiences that affect your relationships with others and God. Be gentle, kind, and patient — try not to judge yourself or those who may have placed these barriers. As I walk towards freedom and healing, I am learning to bring these questions and fears to Jesus. He seems to delight in the opportunity to reveal the heart of the Father to me, speak the truth, and heal my wounds. Our eternal Father in Heaven desires good for us, as we read in James 1:17, “All good giving and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights.” He wants us to have good friends, experiences, and provision. However, He does not want any of these “goods” to be at the top of our list. Is there something or someone other than God at the top of your list? A good question to ask yourself and Jesus is, “Who or what keeps me from daily prayer, Mass, caring for others, living out my vocation, or sharing Christ with others?” These questions and St. Nicholas’ prayer can help us “right-order” our days, lives, and, most importantly, our hearts. Because in the end, the God of Love, who created you, desires that you be with Him, wrapped in His love, forever – to be one of His saints in Heaven.