There is a poem downtown, stamped into the sidewalk. Every time I run by it, I pause. The words are few, but they have deeply impacted my heart.
Feet carry your body.
Your soul carries
your heart.
Running will never
escape the pain.
It will follow
collect its dues
and persist until
the truth is faced.
Skylar
I do not know Skylar – we have never met. I do not know if Skylar is a man or woman, a student or a full-time poet, young or old; I am in the dark about Skylar. What I do know is this poem has sparked numerous prayer conversations with God. Tough conversations and simple ones as well.
Simple prayers include praise for these feet and legs that allow my body to run, to care for itself physically, to carry me places that bring beauty to my eyes, sounds to my ears, and joy to my heart. The act of running can free my mind and refresh my soul. It lifts the fog, giving me the ability to see situations more clearly and allows me to work through difficult events of the past or ones coming on the horizon. My daily run provides me an opportunity to pray. Running has been a gift to me over the years. It has also been a physical curse – injury, ill-fitting shoes, overuse, and pain. Additionally, I’ve used it to escape – to avoid leaning into complicated situations – to run away.
Avoidance, this is where the rest of the poem picks up, “Running will never escape the pain. It will follow.” This fact exists for any activity we participate in to avoid pain – to numb – TV watching, social media, alcohol, work/being busy, exercise, overeating. The list is extensive, and perhaps the numbing agent each of us uses is as unique as we are as individuals. Myself? It depends on the situation, and honestly, I have struggled with many of these over the years. I am a serial user. I work hard to overcome one vice, only to pick up another one in its place. Some may enjoy a couple of numbing habits simultaneously. They enjoy snacking while consuming alcohol or snacking while watching television. Regardless of the method, the result is the same. The numbing successfully avoids the pain, the anxiety, or the situation. In and of themselves, these activities can be benign; it is when they become the way to cope that trouble starts.
This method of coping worked well for me; that is, until my niece introduced me to Dr. Brene` Brown and her work with vulnerability. Dr. Brown has some powerful TED Talks available on YouTube related to guilt, shame, and numbing. These short videos, along with several of her books, have made a powerful impact on how I choose to live each day. Perhaps the most startling truth she exposed, “You can’t just numb the negative emotions of fear, shame, and unworthiness. You numb all your emotions, including joy and happiness.” Yes, you read that correctly, you numb it all. If I wanted to live with joy and happiness, I had to stop numbing the anxiety. The only fix to end the numbing? Stop running, face the truth, and lean in. Take the time to find what is causing your pain or burdening your soul. If we don’t take these steps, “It will follow, collect its dues, and persist.” The only way to shake the shadows of the shame, fear, and lies of unworthiness is to be vulnerable. I had to start engaging, having those difficult conversations, making changes in my work and my relationships, turning to prayer, and setting the boundaries necessary for me to live.
Now is the point in time when the conversations with God got a bit rough, a lot raw, and downright exhausting. I thank God daily for a cohort of friends that have supported me in learning to lean in and setting boundaries, a spouse that has encouraged me to make changes in my life to help me be the best version of myself, and the gift of my faith that Jesus will choose me and help to make me whole. Slowly, but assuredly, I am finding freedom from numbing. In new ways, I am living in joy, and as the person I am meant to be.
There are times I run by Skylar’s poem, and tears fill my eyes when I realize the amount of work I have left to do. Other times they are tears of gratitude for these 28 words. Beautifully crafted and bravely shared, these words have encouraged and challenged me to make changes in my life. No longer do I run to escape, to punish, or to numb. I run to live, to experience, to thrive. To be free.