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My Lord and my God,
take from me
everything that
distances me from You.

My Lord and my God,
give me
everything that
brings me closer to You.

My Lord and my God,
detach me from myself
in order to give my all to You.

St. Nicholas of Flué

My last posting, The Open Hands of a Saint, sparked several meaningful conversations. These discussions touched on detachment, the right ordering of our hearts (i.e., God first, family, etc.), blessings, suffering, and fear. A dear friend sent the following text the morning of the posting, “I did the exercise, and I had a little fear and anxiety after saying the first part. I had to stop and let it go before I could continue. I don’t know why I fear being the person God can make me.” Her words caused me to pause for three reasons. First, I was so excited that she was putting the prayer into practice! Second, I was honored she would reach out to share her struggles. Third, I realized how beautifully she stated her fear. She discovered the work God wanted to do in her heart – to help her become a saint – but she also knew this could require changes in her life. She allows me to share this text because she is confident others have similar fears and that God could use her vulnerability to help others.

The act of asking the Lord to remove what keeps us from Him –  from being the person He wants us to be – does stir fear. Our minds might first wonder, “What good will He take away? What friendship, what possession, what pleasure?” We fear the Lord will cause us suffering and pain, leaving us alone, uncared for, and miserable. These fears can be rooted in lies, misconceptions, self-reliance, and woundedness. Our experiences in life cloud the truth of who God is and what God does. God desires us to move past these fears into a relationship with Him filled with love and trust.

“I do it myself,” shouted my son as I tried to help him put on his shoes. How often is this our response to not only God’s help but the help of those who love us? It is almost part of our identity as Americans to be self-sufficient and independent. I recently had foot surgery, requiring others to drive, cook, visit, and take care of me and some of my responsibilities. Every day for the last four weeks, I have found my inner toddler screaming, “I do it myself!” My self-reliance is like a badge of honor that hides the parts of me that fear being a burden and trusting others to care for me. This distrust and fear have their roots in my experiences of abandonment, rejection, and an early childhood burden to take care of myself.

However, God does not intend for you or me to live our lives striving to hide our needs, pretending to have it all under control, and exhausted from trying to do it all. We need one another, and we also need God. He wants to help us. This passage reminds me of God’s care, “Do not fear: I am with you; do not be anxious: I am your God. I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my victorious right hand” (Isaiah 41:10). The Lord is ready to do His part and care for you. He will strengthen, help, and uphold you. We need to our part by trusting Him and surrendering our worries. We can learn to trust God and others through time and experience, prayer and commitment, and receiving and giving. 

Other barriers that may limit our ability to trust God and others are a lack of knowledge, false beliefs, or wounds in our hearts. What misconceptions do you hold about who God is and what He does? In my journey, I discovered I viewed God as harsh, critical, demanding, and distant. The lies and misconceptions we have about God can be a result of inadequate or inaccurate catechesis. Or perhaps others used God, along with guilt and shame, as their “enforcers” to make us comply with their rules. Or even the experience of trauma or abuse at the hands of those in authority can deeply affect our ability to trust. Depending on the depth and cause of these lies, misconceptions, and wounds, we may need the help of a therapist, spiritual director, and close friends to process, learn, and heal. The journey can be complex and lengthy, but the Lord will be with you.

As you journey from fear to trust, try to be curious about the misconceptions, lies, and experiences that affect your relationships with others and God. Be gentle, kind, and patient — try not to judge yourself or those who may have placed these barriers. As I walk towards freedom and healing, I am learning to bring these questions and fears to Jesus. He seems to delight in the opportunity to reveal the heart of the Father to me, speak the truth, and heal my wounds. Our eternal Father in Heaven desires good for us, as we read in James 1:17, “All good giving and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights.” He wants us to have good friends, experiences, and provision. However, He does not want any of these “goods” to be at the top of our list. Is there something or someone other than God at the top of your list? A good question to ask yourself and Jesus is, “Who or what keeps me from daily prayer, Mass, caring for others, living out my vocation, or sharing Christ with others?” These questions and St. Nicholas’ prayer can help us “right-order” our days, lives, and, most importantly, our hearts. Because in the end, the God of Love, who created you, desires that you be with Him, wrapped in His love, forever –  to be one of His saints in Heaven.

I had a great dad. He has been gone almost eleven years, but he continues to be a powerful influence in my life. He was a kind man, whose eyes had a little twinkle in them when he smiled. He loved to learn, and he pursued this desire through reading, watching specials on Iowa Public Television, and listening to his kids talk about their studies. In his later years, he gave so much time to family and we are better people for experiencing his love. He certainly helped cultivate my love of learning, my willingness to listen to others, and my desire to be present to my family. He wanted me to be all I was capable of becoming. Motivational speaker, Jim Rohn, said, “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” My dad certainly has been an influential member of my “five.” These words started me thinking about others who have been in my top five and those who fill that list today. How much influence do they have in my life and who should be on the list?

Our five people do influence the various aspects of our lives. I started exercising, trying new foods, and reading new authors because of the people I spend my time with. These are all positive examples of influence. However, there have been times when I let my “five” lead me into some poor choices. Therefore, we must carefully select these five people. But what are we looking for in the people we put on this list? Matthew Kelly speaks of this importance in his book, Resisting Happiness. He states, “Our best friends are those people who encourage and challenge us to become the-best-version-of-ourselves.” Perhaps taking the time to look at who we allow to influence us and guide our decisions is worth the effort.

Who are the five people with which you spend your time? Go ahead, make a list. Perhaps your list includes your parents, teachers, friends, significant others, or a boss. Over the years, these five people can be of a different mix. For instance, as teenagers, those five people are usually friends. As adults, we may wisely reintroduce our parents to the list, add a boss, a professor, or a spouse. Unfortunately, I think various social media outlets, news agencies, and “influencers” have begun to make their way onto the list of five “people” we spend time with and allow to sway us. It is worth an honest assessment when making your list to include all those you spend time with, both physically and digitally. How do these individuals influence you? Are they helping you become your best self, or are they causing you to fall into some bad habits?

As I reminisced about various individuals who have been my “five” I realized one person, in particular, was missing for a long time – God. For many years, I neglected my spiritual life by leaving Him out of the mix. I tried to fit others into that role, which left me feeling disappointed when they let me down or led me astray. I discovered there is another dad, my Heavenly Father, who wants me to become the-best-version-of-myself. Out of love, God created us in His image and likeness. God is love; therefore, we are to love Him and others He places in our lives. He calls us to become the sons and daughters He created us to be – to become more loving and thus the-best-version-of-ourselves. We can only achieve this if we let Him be the top placeholder on our list. How do we let Him be our primary influence?

We must spend time with Him. How much time do we spend with God in prayer? Less time than we spend with our friends at the gym? At least as much time as we spend out for dinner with work associates? How about social media? Are we scrolling Facebook or Instagram with more frequency than we are reading Sacred Scripture? Are we giving God time in prayer to speak, or do we do all the talking? Often I find myself doing all of the talking and not waiting in silence to hear His response to my fears, petitions, and concerns. I also can catch myself hearing the voice of God in Scripture, but am I listening? By not listening, I am missing the change He is asking me to make to become the daughter He created me to be. 

Why is it so important that we become the-best-versions-of-ourselves, the person that God created us to be? First, we do it for our own growth and development. Second, we strive to be more loving because we are assuredly on the “list of five” for others in our lives. Let that sink in. Who are you influencing? Perhaps your children, spouse, a friend, a student, a coworker, a boss, or someone yet to come. These people deserve us to be our best. Who in your life needs you to be your best self? 

“If you want to change the world,

go home and love your family.”

St. Teresa of Calcutta

As a wife and mother, my family needs me to be my very best. To be healthy physically, mentally, and spiritually so I can love them, accept them, and nurture them. Why is this so important? Because they are also influencing the choices of others. They are in the top five for someone else, and those people deserve a person who is becoming their best self. It starts to get a little overwhelming when we realize how far our influence can be in this world. Perhaps that is what prompted St. Teresa of Calcutta (Mother Teresa) to say, “If you want to change the world, go home and love your family.” At times I can feel like I do not make a difference, that I offer too little in what the world deems worthy. However, in living my vocation – loving my family and those in my “five” – the potential positive influence is incomprehensible. God takes our little acts of love and magnifies them, using them beyond our understanding; to change the world. 

Do you need to do some reshuffling of your day to ensure you are taking the time to be with your Heavenly Father, the One who desires the best for you? Do you need to rethink your “five” and make room for God to influence you?