Month: September 2020

There is a poem downtown, stamped into the sidewalk. Every time I run by it, I pause. The words are few, but they have deeply impacted my heart.

Feet carry your body.

Your soul carries

your heart.

Running will never

escape the pain.

It will follow

collect its dues

and persist until

the truth is faced.

Skylar

I do not know Skylar – we have never met. I do not know if Skylar is a man or woman, a student or a full-time poet, young or old;  I am in the dark about Skylar. What I do know is this poem has sparked numerous prayer conversations with God. Tough conversations and simple ones as well.

Simple prayers include praise for these feet and legs that allow my body to run, to care for itself physically, to carry me places that bring beauty to my eyes, sounds to my ears, and joy to my heart. The act of running can free my mind and refresh my soul. It lifts the fog, giving me the ability to see situations more clearly and allows me to work through difficult events of the past or ones coming on the horizon. My daily run provides me an opportunity to pray. Running has been a gift to me over the years. It has also been a physical curse – injury, ill-fitting shoes, overuse, and pain. Additionally, I’ve used it to escape – to avoid leaning into complicated situations – to run away.

Avoidance, this is where the rest of the poem picks up, “Running will never escape the pain. It will follow.” This fact exists for any activity we participate in to avoid pain – to numb – TV watching, social media, alcohol, work/being busy, exercise, overeating. The list is extensive, and perhaps the numbing agent each of us uses is as unique as we are as individuals. Myself? It depends on the situation, and honestly, I have struggled with many of these over the years. I am a serial user. I work hard to overcome one vice, only to pick up another one in its place. Some may enjoy a couple of numbing habits simultaneously. They enjoy snacking while consuming alcohol or snacking while watching television. Regardless of the method, the result is the same. The numbing successfully avoids the pain, the anxiety, or the situation. In and of themselves, these activities can be benign; it is when they become the way to cope that trouble starts.

This method of coping worked well for me; that is, until my niece introduced me to Dr. Brene` Brown and her work with vulnerability. Dr. Brown has some powerful TED Talks available on YouTube related to guilt, shame, and numbing. These short videos, along with several of her books, have made a powerful impact on how I choose to live each day. Perhaps the most startling truth she exposed, “You can’t just numb the negative emotions of fear, shame, and unworthiness. You numb all your emotions, including joy and happiness.” Yes, you read that correctly, you numb it all. If I wanted to live with joy and happiness, I had to stop numbing the anxiety. The only fix to end the numbing? Stop running, face the truth, and lean in. Take the time to find what is causing your pain or burdening your soul. If we don’t take these steps, “It will follow, collect its dues, and persist.” The only way to shake the shadows of the shame, fear, and lies of unworthiness is to be vulnerable. I had to start engaging, having those difficult conversations, making changes in my work and my relationships, turning to prayer, and setting the boundaries necessary for me to live.

Now is the point in time when the conversations with God got a bit rough, a lot raw, and downright exhausting. I thank God daily for a cohort of friends that have supported me in learning to lean in and setting boundaries, a spouse that has encouraged me to make changes in my life to help me be the best version of myself, and the gift of my faith that Jesus will choose me and help to make me whole. Slowly, but assuredly, I am finding freedom from numbing. In new ways, I am living in joy, and as the person I am meant to be.

There are times I run by Skylar’s poem, and tears fill my eyes when I realize the amount of work I have left to do. Other times they are tears of gratitude for these 28 words. Beautifully crafted and bravely shared, these words have encouraged and challenged me to make changes in my life. No longer do I run to escape, to punish, or to numb. I run to live, to experience, to thrive. To be free.

A friend recently asked me how my Sunday night anxiety was going? I paused and smiled. I realized it was gone, and for the first time in decades, I can sleep all night! What is Sunday night anxiety? It goes a little something like this… 

The clock. There it is telling me it is way too early to be awake, yet there I am, wide awake and worried. It robs me of my precious sleep and my inner peace. The anticipation of the week ahead puts my brain into action. How will we get to all of our activities, find time to make meals, spend time with friends and family, pay the bills, clean the house, grocery shop, volunteer, and attend meetings? The downward spiral accelerates into the rabbit hole of exhaustion. Always so much to do. And before you know it, it is time to get up and start the race.

Sound familiar? This course of living is unsustainable, and truth be told, it is not living. It is surviving. Barely. For me, this way of life ceased to be survivable. Something had to change. 

Two gifts came into my life about the time when I realized I could not keep all the plates spinning. The first gift I received was a skilled therapist. She provided me simple tools to encourage healthy sleep. One game-changer – get rid of that clock! The adjustments she recommended began to significantly improve my sleep patterns and the amount of rest I received each night. I will be forever grateful for the explanation of sleep drive and how I was ruining it with my cat naps. I am sure I have the graphs somewhere around the house if you want a quick lesson!

The other gift? Eucharistic Adoration. My weekly hour spent with Jesus was the first time that I sat, uninterrupted, meditating on His words and His love. During my hour with Jesus, I try and focus on a short scripture passage in an attempt to discern what I can learn, receive, and apply to my life.

Recently, I’ve been captivated by Luke 10:38-42. In this gospel passage, Martha is busying herself to prepare a meal for Jesus while her sister Mary sits at his feet. Mary is listening to him speak, receiving his love and goodness. Martha complains to Jesus, telling him to make Mary help her. Jesus responds, “Martha, Martha, you are anxious and worried about many things. There is need of only one thing. Mary has chosen the better part and it will not be taken from her.” I love this passage because I can see myself in both Martha and Mary. Martha is doing good, preparing a meal for her guests. She’s anxious about the meal timing, preparing and cooking the meal, setting the table, tidying up the house, and trying to make sure all her guests feel welcomed. I would be so irritated if my sister were sitting there, not helping! And yet, it is Mary who I aspire to be. Her ability to be present to our Lord, surrender her worry, and her desire to receive his love – Beautiful. She is teaching me to leave my burdens at His feet. If Mary were here today, I think the song, Nothing Else by Cody Carnes would fully express her heart. She is caught up in a Holy Moment.

I’m caught up in Your presence 

I just want to sit here at Your feet 

I’m caught up in this holy moment 

I never want to leave

Cody Carnes, Nothing Else

When we get caught up in a Holy Moment, we can start to let go of worry and begin to live in love. We can experience these Holy Moments with those around us. In his book, The Biggest Lie in Christianity, Matthew Kelly challenges us to make Holy Moments every day. When I read his book, I struggled to find these opportunities until I applied the love I found in Jesus. The occasions for Holy Moments might look a little like these examples, but the possibilities are endless. Perhaps we leave our cell phone in the car on date night, or we make sure we have dinner with our spouse and kids at least one night a week. Maybe you have a hobby or passion you can share with a child. Perhaps we listen and cry with a friend when they share how the weight of the world is crushing them. What if we treated every human interaction as a Holy Moment? We can do this by being present and bringing our love.

In the end, what does worry accomplish? Look back over the last month, this past week, or just today and reflect on the issues that have caused you to worry. How did the worry change the situation? What does the anxiety cost you? Sleep? Your health? Productivity at work? If agonizing about these situations does not change them, what can? Mary has the answer for us. The love of Jesus. Our love. Love is the driving force of change. From love, we can find patience for our children and ease their anxiety and stress. From love, we can begin to see our to-do list as actions of love for the people and organizations we care for, not items to check off. From love, we can see ourselves as human, imperfect, and beautiful. From love, we can cut everyone, including ourselves, a little slack. What is God asking you to let go of so you too can live in love?